Do You Have Boundaries In Your Life?

Last week after I talked about 5 Ways To Clear Your Mind & Prioritize Things, I began reading this book called Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It talks about when to say yes and when to say no to things. It explains how to take back control of your life setting healthy boundaries with your family, friends, coworkers, boss, and peers. So do you have boundaries in your life?

This book has revealed to me things about myself and setting boundaries. As Christians, we have this pressure to be selfless and help everyone we can. Boundaries explains very clearly not to do things at the expense of ourselves or family. We shouldn’t feel guilty that we don’t have time for that additional thing.

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If you’re like me, I try to be doing lots of things and helping others. My husband recognized this and helped me put things into perspective when being asked to do something. He asked me this question: have you really thought about what it’s going to cost you in time and/or money in the future? Do you really want to commit to doing this thing once a month for the next year in addition to everything else?  

I’m learning that it’s not just with things you do but also with who you are spending time with. The book gave an example of a Mother who guilted her adult daughter into spending time with her one evening. The daughter had something else that needed to be done. As the story progressed, she was letting her boss drop projects on her last minute that she didn’t have time to finish. She was also allowing her husband to treat her poorly and her “best friend” to suck the life out of her with all her constant crises that happened daily.

This poor woman had her life on the rocks trying to please everyone else at the expense of herself. As a result, her life was being drained from her, her marriage was hardly tolerable, and her kids weren’t getting the attention they needed at home. She desperately needed boundaries to be set up in her life to pull her up out of this mess. Maybe one or more of these examples resonate with you.

So what is the answer and how can we set boundaries?

I’m still reading this book but I have an idea of what might work. First realizing what your priorities are then setting boundaries in your priority areas concerning: family, relationships, and work. Second, it’s okay to say “no you can’t treat me this way” or “sorry I don’t have time to do that right now”. Third, we need to make sure we are kind but firm and stick to our “no’s”.

You don’t have to be guilted into to doing anything! You don’t have to pick up the phone every time your “friend” (counseling client) calls you needing help during your peaceful lunch break or during dinner with your family. People can wait and if they continue to try and manipulate by saying they will quit hanging out with you then so be it. You don’t want them around anyway!

People may have the best intentions and we may truly be helping. At the same time, we can’t neglect ourselves or the priorities in our lives because we will grow bitter about it. I’ve been there it’s not a pretty place to be in. To get out, you have to get used to saying the word “no”. That word doesn’t make you a mean person. It also doesn’t make you’re lesser of a Christian either.

It’s actually biblical to set boundaries in your life. Galatians 6:4-5 says: “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.” Did you catch that? Each one should carry their own load. If that “friend” of yours only wants to talk about themselves, then they aren’t a friend. If your kid doesn’t do chores around the house, then they aren’t doing their part.

I’m not a parent yet and don’t pretend to know about it. I have seen friends around me where their parents never set boundaries and they went wild and had to live with awful consequences for the rest of their lives. I’ve seen parents would say “no” but didn’t stick to it and now those friends are codependent and lazy in almost every area of their life. On the other hand, I’ve seen parents who were so strict and controlling and didn’t let their kids make any decisions for themselves.

The key to everything when setting boundaries with ourselves and others is having balance. We don’t want to be a wall that doesn’t let anyone through but we also don’t want to have zero boundaries open to anything. We want to be more like a gate where we allow people in but know when to close it. At the same time, we also should allow others to set boundaries with us and be flexible when they do. I believe it’s also very important to pray and seek godly counsel in friends or pastors if available.

I’m definitely going to be reading the rest of the book Boundaries with my eyes wide open. I guess I’m more of a “yes” kind of girl so it’s hard to say “no”. A lot of times I’ll keep the peace by just going along with things when I should be standing my ground and saying “no”. Remember we can’t be everything to everyone even if we want to. And we shouldn’t expect that from others either.

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A Prayer For You

Lord, thank You for giving me a sound mind and the ability to make decisions for myself. Show me how to set up healthy boundaries in my life and at the same time, not tread on others’ boundaries. In Jesus’ name, amen.

I encourage you to pick up a copy of the book Boundaries and to also look into these other books: Boundaries with Marriage, Boundaries for Leaders, and Boundaries With Kids, and Boundaries in Dating.

Stay hopeful!