Have you ever been mistreated? I’ve been doing some soul searching recently and found that I’ve blamed others for choices I made. Let’s explore what this could look like in your life and how to combat it.
I grew up in a broken Christian home with an abusive father. Not everyone knew what was going on behind our closed doors. He wasn’t the worst person ever but he was verbally abusive and physically abusive some. He also abused alcohol. As a result, I was an angry, insecure, and scared little girl deep down.
Growing up, I made bad choices without realizing why. And well, men were guilty until proven innocent. I couldn’t bring myself to trust or respect men at all with the exception of a choice few.
Daddy issues were a real thing in my life. Anger brewed into hatred for my Dad that I finally had to let go. I did come to a place of finally forgiving him after realizing it was only hurting me, not him. Years later reflecting on my own dumb decisions, I realized I blamed him instead of taking responsibility.
Unfortunately, too many of us go through things beyond our control. We can’t always control our environment and certainly, we can’t control other people. We CAN control how we respond to it and the choices we make.
Start becoming the person you want to be.
Using your past as an excuse for a unhappy future is not acceptable. You may have been told you will never amount to anything. You may feel like you can never trust anyone again. No matter how devastating your past is, don’t let it continue to hold power over you.
I’ve been reading “Making Love Last Forever” by Gary Smalley that was intended for married couples. But in it, he shared a story of a college student that came to him for help related to this topic. A young girl had been sexually abused by her father over a period of years. She said she couldn’t get over it and also said: “I want someday to have some joy in my life.”
He gave her 7 steps to overcome anger that worked for her shown below…
- Define the offense
- Allow yourself to grieve
- Try to understand your offender. Many times offenders act out of their own hurt.
- Release your offender. As long as you remain bitter and unforgiving, you’re tied to that person with emotional knots. They may never understand the pain they put you through but you must forgive them so you can move on.
- Look for pearls in the offense. Being grateful for the good that came out of something. Ex: now you can help others get through similar experiences.
- Put your feelings in writing
- Reach out to your offender. First pray for them for anger to be released in their lives. Then try talking with them and forgiving them in person.
The steps above are good guidelines but everyone is different. I didn’t follow these steps but it could work for you. My Dad continually kept wounding me. He would ask for forgiveness but repeated the offense. I went down for an altar call at church to finally lay down my anger and bitterness. I’m not even kidding, it felt like a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders.
Some offenders may never ask for your forgiveness, may never understand that they even hurt you, or may continue to keep hurting you. We have to come to a place of forgiving them down deep in our hearts despite this.
God created you on purpose for a purpose. God has great plans to bring you hope for your future. He wants to turn your despair into joy. If you didn’t know:
- You aren’t an accident.
- You are talented.
- You are fully accepted and loved by God.
It’s time to recognize the baggage you’re carrying and let it fall. We’ve got to retrain our brains into thinking about positive things and positively about our futures. We have to be intentional and take responsibility for the decisions we make from here on out.
A Prayer for You
Lord Jesus, forgive me for blaming others for my bad choices. Show me how to forgive them and myself. Replace my negative thoughts with only good thoughts. Give me the wisdom to make good decisions from here on out. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Stay hopeful!
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